Salutations™!!

… And why would I?

I know the title sounds a bit spazzy but the truth is, I sometimes just get in the mood for silly, stupid, ridiculous and horrible films. I love good films but sometimes you just need some mindless stuff to get you through the night, ya know?

©Columbia/New World Pictures

That’s what I’m watching now: silly, stupid, ridiculous and horrible. I’m watching Starcrash (1978). 1978 was after Star Wars (1977) and this was just an attempt to capitalize on the latter’s success. The acting, the plot, the effects were just awful. This goes beyond the fact that a very young David Hasselhoff is in it. The true sadness was a great actor like Christopher Plummer is also in it.

An outlaw smuggler named Stella Star (Caroline Munro) and her alien companion named Akton (Marjoe Gortner) are recruited by the Emperor of the Galaxy (Plummer) to rescue his son (The Hoff) and destroy a secret weapon by the evil Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell). There’s also a “robot,” that looks like a cheap Darth Vader, named Elle (which is a guy robot) and it’s voiced by Hamilton Camp who has the most ridiculous “country accent.” It’s not robotic, it’s not even alien. It’s very human. 

I laughed at the total BS that this film was. It kept me laughing throughout my work with social media for The Less Desirables tonight. I appreciate it for that. If I were rating this film, it would only be about a 1 star, but probably 2.5 on the entertainment value.

IMDb rates it 3.9 out of 10. I guess that ratio is about right. Rotten Tomatoes says it’s 33% rotten and the audience score is only 38%.

Here’s what Jeremy Wheeler from Rovi says on Rotten Tomatoes: Italian schlock-master Luigi Cozzi (billed as Lewis Coates here) directed this low-budget Star Wars rip-off in 1978, right when the sci-fi craze was hitting audiences on a world-wide scale. The story begins familiarly enough, with a huge spaceship tracking through an extremely colorful space scene while under attack by some kind of unknown and deadly force resembling a lava lamp. Being no match for the ’60s acid-flashback rays, they manage to jettison a few escape pods just before being blown to kingdom come. Fast forward now to the other end of the galaxy, where we find the best smugglers in town — gorgeous Stella Star (Caroline Munro) and space-pimp Akton (Marjoe Gortner) — outrunning a band of cops on their tail. Eventually, they’re caught, taken into custody, and sentenced to intense Labor Camps, where Stella is forced to wear a skimpy Barbarella-like outfit by the extreme, merciless guards. A break-out ensues, and in the intense laser shoot-out, Stella manages to escape, only to be captured again by the semi-green-skinned Thor (Robert Tessier) and his annoying southern-drawled robot, Elle (voiced by genre veteran Hamilton Camp). Brought in front of the Emperor of the Galaxy (Christopher Plummer) and reunited with Akton, the sexy duo find themselves suddenly in charge of finding Prince Simon (David Hasselhoff). Thus begins the heroes’ amazing adventure through space and time as they search for Hasselhoff and end up fighting Amazons, Cavemen, and the Evil Count Zarth Arn (Joe Spinell) along the way. 

That pretty much sums it up. It’s true crap and I’m glad I watched it. Will I watch it again? Probably not. If you come across it and need a good laugh, check it out.

Until tomorrow, same blog channel…
Scorp out!

—
“You know, my son, I wouldn’t be Emperor of the Galaxy if I didn’t have some powers at my disposal. Imperial Battleship, halt the flow of time!” – The Emperor